Host Switch!
The Beeftrain Incident will be switching hosts this week. Hold on tight!
The Hater’s Lounge: “Napoleon Dynamite”
This will likely be one of my most controversial topics. The target of my hatred this week is the “comedy classic” Napoleon Dynamite. I cannot exactly narrow down the reason why I hate this piece of cinematic drivel or why I think this is the worst movie not made by Uwe Boll in the last decade. Maybe it is because many of my friends quote it constantly. Maybe because some people call it a classic despite the fact that the only thing I truly remember about the movie is how much I hated it.
“Give me some of your tots, Napoleon.”
“Eat your food, Tina, Gawwwsh!”
“You’re just jealous because I’ve been talking to hot babes all day.”
“I’m training to be a cage fighter.”
If you laughed or chuckled or looked back on those scenes with anything but utter hatred, then as the great Kevin Bacon said in Tremors “Fuuuuuuuuuuuccck You!” Seriously.
I laughed at exactly three parts of this movie. When Uncle Rico tells Kip that he used to be able to throw a football a quarter mile. Chuckle. When Napoleon pointed out that he and his brother did not need someone to watch them because Kip was “literally 32.” Decent laugh. When Pedro said that it took him only a day to grow his perfect mustache. Chuckle. I described 45 seconds of an 82 minute movie that is beloved by many.
I have seen this movie twice. One bad viewing can be attributed to outside factors like bad moods, the crescent of the moon, my cycle, etc. Two awful viewings means that this movie sucks.
The movie is not realistic in any way. There is no human being on this planet as purposefully annoying as Napoleon. No sane person acts the way that he acts. He is quirky for the sake of being quirky. I have watched pornographic movies with more relatable characters.
The answer to all Napoleon quoters.
The high-schoolers depicted in this film do not exist in this world. They do not swear, drink, nor are they very mean. I know the movie is rated PG. Some idiots believe that this is a perfect comedy and proves that you do not need swearing to be funny. This does not prove your inane theory. Funny is funny. And Napoleon Dynamite is not funny.
This is the part where I hand my literary brilliance over to you and allow you to digest it and then comment on it. I want to hear from the fans of the least believable character in cinematic history and I want the praise of the haters.
Until next time, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate…
